PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE + OPINIONS-

This project had some personal significance and although certain scenes were quite difficult for me to film, mentally, I believe that all in all it helped with my own recovery and I’m glad I went through with the film. I think it reflects not only some of my own story but also, more generally, it symbolises a range of experiences and feelings that people have when they are going through periods of poor mental health, not only struggles with diet.

I explored the link to the “Love and Rebellion” theme through the idea of self-love and rebellion against a toxic mindset and societal expectations. In my opinion, it was successful, although I feel as though I could maybe have focused more on the self-love aspect in the end, but as a result of the importance of the three separate chapters, I wasn’t able to spend too much time on only a single one.

CLOTHING/LOCATION-

Both the clothing and the locations were very important to me. I chose to have three different outfits: one for each chapter. Seeing as each chapter represented a different stage of the ED journey, I thought the clothing should reflect the general mental situation at the time. The first was a long sleeved shirt and a long skirt which covered up most of my body but was still fairly close to my skin, illustrating the sense of self-consciousness building before the actual disorder changes the perception of the body too much. The second outfit was a plain white long-sleeved dress, which fell a little baggy on my body and covered up pretty much all of it, showing how self-consciousness increases and the desire to hide yourself/your body in your clothing is also very prominent. In the third chapter I wore a white cropped top and the same white skirt from the first chapter to show how I was returning to my former self but changed, recovered and showing more outward self-confidence. All three of the outfits were white, for a few different reasons: white symbolises innocence and purity which can be reflected in both the first and last chapters, white stands out against the otherwise natural colour palatte of the background, therefore drawing focus towards me as the central focus of the film, and white also links to the voiceover which features the “white rabbit” from the Alice in Wonderland books.

The locations I filmed in were also significant. Most of it is filmed in and around my house, which references how EDs often stem from issues at home and revolve around routines and habits done at home. This is similar to the way the Laia Abril’s book “The Epilogue” revolves around the house of a young girl who suffered from an eating disorder. The rest is filmed in a patch of nearby woods, which at the same time references Alice in Wonderland and the popular metaphor of “going into the woods” as meaning going on a dangerous and challenging quest with reasonable doubt as to whether one would return safe. It also meant that I was able to work in an environment that was quite colourful, and the time of year meant that the green was quite vibrant, and the weather was often rainy which added general atmosphere and mood to the film.

SEQUENCING/CHAPTERS-

The chapters were a vital aspect of the film to me; they showed the journey one goes on with an eating disorder in three separate stages. The titles reference the Alice in Wonderland books and mark the stages of before, during and after. When evaluating, I think they worked effectively in portraying the sense of the passing of time that I wanted them to.

I also use some repeated shots, like the “getting ready” morning scene and the close up of eyes opening and looking around. I intended this to give the audience a sense of how the subject’s mental health changes over time, relying on the artistic trope of the eyes being “windows to the soul” to portray this.

Sequencing the shots and generally organising the narrative was an aspect I put quite a bit of thought into, and I ended up making a fairly detailed storyboard which I then annotated with details for me to use when actually shooting; I found this really helpful throughout the whole process, especially when editing. It was quite effective in that, when re-evaluating some shots later on in the process, I was able to cut them out easily and maintain the whole narrative of the rest of the film without missing out on anything important. In my opinion, it was definitely worth the extra time spent in the planning process.

VOICEOVER-

From the very beginning, I had planned to record myself doing a scripted voiceover, with the visuals matching up to whatever was being said at the moment. I debated either reading out a poem from the book “Alice Through The Looking Glass” or to write something myself, and in the end the poem in particular was too short and didn’t link up with the subject matter of the film enough, so I wrote a short three-piece text, making sure to include imagery that fit with the theme of eating disorders and Alice in Wonderland, then went through the process of editing it to the right length and omitting any parts that didn’t particularly work out in the way I liked. Certain key lines and phrases, however, were important to keep in as they gave sense to the visuals and added to the overall tone of the film.

For example:

“Little white lies stick like cotton wool in my throat and nothing is the same anymore.” 

The white lies refer to the deception involved in hiding an ED from friends and family, and the cotton wool refers to a popular method of appetite suppressing by consuming cotton wool.

“I got stuck and I got hurt/ And I got help”

This is from the third and final chapter and it shows the period of self-reflection that is necessary for recovery where often things that were complicated at the time become simple and much clearer to understand.

“My childhood seems a blur to me/ Although I don’t really know why” … “My childhood is still blurry, but it’s soft and sweet and sad, and I tell it to take its time coming back to me”

These two quotes are from chapters one and three respectively, and they illustrate how much personal growth occurs during recovery and how often there is an increased sense of acceptance of past pain and upsets, rather than holding on to them and hurting oneself any further.

Overall, the extra effort involved in scripting, recording and editing in a voiceover was most definitely worth it, in my opinion, and I am pleased with the final effect it had. It added a personal touch to the film and made a lot of the imagery clearer to understand, as well as adding more depth to other parts. It also allowed me to explore a different side of the creative aspect when making films, and increased my awareness of the importance of audio and soundscapes.

OVERALL SUCCESSES + CRITIQUES–

Technically, I think my film was fairly successful. Visually it looked good, as the colours I wore stood out against the various surroundings, and the exposure was properly calibrated. As a whole the narrative was clear, conveyed through both visual and audio aspects together. It had a range of close ups and long shots, and the establishing shots at the beginning set the scene effectively. The editing was also varied enough to keep it engaging, switching between several fast-paced montages and some slower, longer scenes. I mainly used a tripod to keep the camera steady which tested my multitasking skills and improved my overall filming/directing techniques, as well as allowing me to use myself as the main subject.

If I had to critique any part of it, I would probably say that I could have spent a bit more time during the actual filming part in making sure that everything was in focus. This was only really an issue in the first parts that I shot, the close-ups particularly, and even though it was hard to be behind the camera while also being the subject of the camera lens, I feel as though if I were to do it again I would know to spend a lot more time on things like this and end up with a slightly better result. Another thing I would change if I did this project again would be to include more scenes of a more abstract nature, like the photography of Francesca Woodman, which would be open for interpretation in various different ways and provide a more creative and artistic demonstration of the main subject’s mental state.

To conclude, I’m pleased with the way this short film project turned out and I believe I was successful in the various things I meant to include. The artists I studied beforehand were very useful in developing my ideas and the style that I went for, as well as providing examples of work covering similar sorts of subjects. I feel like I managed to incorporate a personal aspect in tackling a difficult and fairly emotionally challenging topic, and I put a lot of effort into making sure that I provided as accurate of a representation to my own experiences as I could, without making it overly specific and opening it up to a more general interpretation of mental health issues, the concept of losing childhood nostalgia, rediscovering one’s own identity, and just generally growing up.