“The Art of Loving” is a 1956 book by psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm, which was published as part of the World Perspectives Series. Fromm presents love as a ‘skill‘ that can be taught and developed, rejecting the idea of loving as something magical and mysterious that cannot be analysed nor explained, and is therefore skeptical about popular ideas such as “falling in love” or being helpless in the face of love.

“I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and not in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me”.

Because modern humans are alienated from each other and from nature, we seek refuge from our lonesomeness in romantic love and marriage . However, Fromm observes that real love “is not a sentiment which can be easily indulged in by anyone.” It is only through developing one’s total personality to the capacity of loving one’s neighbor with “true humility, courage, faith and discipline” that one attains the capacity to experience real love. This should be considered a rare achievement . Fromm defended these opinions also in interview with Mike Wallace when he states:

“love today is a relatively rare phenomenon, that we have a great deal of sentimentality; we have a great deal of illusion about love, namely as a…as something one falls in. But the question is that one cannot fall in love, really; one has to be in love. And that means that loving becomes, and the ability to love, becomes one of the most important things in life.”

“Loving oneself is quite different from ‘arrogance, conceit or egocentrism’“. Loving oneself defines along the lines of caring about oneself and taking responsibility for oneself, respecting oneself, and knowing oneself, for example, being realistic and honest about one’s strengths and weaknesses in awe for giving constructive criticism. In order to be able to truly love another person, one needs first to love oneself in this way. Fromm calls the general idea of love in contemporary Western society égoïsme à deux: a relationship in which each person is entirely focused on the other, to the detriment of other people around them. The current belief is that a couple should be a well-assorted team, sexually and functionally, working towards a common aim. This is in contrast with Fromm’s description of true love and intimacy, which involves willful commitment directed toward a single unique individual. One cannot truly love another person if one does not love all of mankind including oneself.